Of having a Vision

Nowadays I usually am upbeat and positive, but that day I felt crappy and emotionally hungover. I was  working through some old stuff that defines my current present.
It's tedious work, requiring one step at a time, sometimes two going back. I've learned over the years that I can either try to escape from my feelings or face them. My personal research brought me to the conclusion that escaping didn't work, and that the latter option is more tedious but in the long run more sustainable. 

I know that the pain won't kill me. Not feeling it, will. ​

After a whole day of gloomy thoughts I went to my favourite place by the lake and sat down on a bench, wrapped into my coat, beanie and gloves. The fact that it was only the second of  September, didn't make it any better!
After all those years of living in Finland, I still haven't got used to the Finnish autumn, which is decidedly colder and tougher and more abrupt than autumns I have experienced in other countries. Oh well, it was a beautiful summer while it lasted. 
​So anyway, I sat on that bench, feeling a bit sorry for myself, lacking vision or any hope for the future, staring at the lake, hoping to find a glimpse of lightness, almost forcing a vision to appear. 

Old thoughts are not the truth.

But nothing inspired me. Not the water, the sun, the wind, nothing. I felt hopeless, useless, good for nothing, well, you get the idea. I sat on the edge of a big pity pot and I was about to fall in. I was very aware that I was thinking old thoughts. It wasn't the first time I thought them, and it most likely wasn't the last time either. But: ​Compared to what it used to be like, I sat on the edge of the pot, I didn't drown in it. I knew that those thoughts were not the truth and that they would pass sooner or later. They were like passing, dark clouds. I just needed to accept that I felt what I felt that day. I got up to leave and when I turned around I saw it and understood.

​You can't have a rainbow without rain.

There I had been sitting and staring, forcefully trying to think up a vision, while it was unfolding behind my back. There's no rainbow without rain. Feeling always chirpy, strong and positive, without gloom, weakness and negativity, is like eating food without salt. Ying needs Yang. Darkness needs light. One can't be without the other.  The gloomy days make me appreciate the lightness of my life.

Change of Perspective 

What gave me back my hope? Was it my awareness and acceptance of my mood? Or was it my turning around and seeing the rainbow? Was it my acceptance that made me appreciate the rainbow? It would't have impressed me as much in my earlier life, (I wouldn't have seen it in the first place) when most days were filled with anxiety, negativity and worry. Those days are over. Over the years I have changed my perspective on life and today I know that I have a choice. If life is about going two steps forward and one step back, I have the power to decide whether I make a drudge or a dance out of it.