Naked in the office*

My friend shares an office with some guys and a huge calendar on the wall. It's a calendar with cars and almost naked women who, judging by their body postures, seem to be sexually attracted to the cars. I don't know if the feelings are reciprocated. The calendar was there before my friend moved in. You might think, hey, boys will be boys, it's just some pictures. My friend thinks the calendar is inappropriate and offensive. MeToo.  
* I'm sorry if you expected different content, but I really wanted to grab your attention. 

Very funny!

She sent a text with a photo of the calendar into our girlfriends' WhatsApp group and we sent her calendars with firemen. Of course, on some level it is good to make light of situations. But there is a part in all of us, that doesn't want to joke but needs to be taken seriously. If we don't take ourselves seriously, who will?

Many women's experience

My friend has a history of sexual abuse that has paralysed her for many years, and she slowly learns to live with it. Her trauma started at home and, as traumas do, spread into other areas of her life. 

Don't be like that...

She, like many, (or most?) of us, was told many times, "be nice", "don't make such a racket", "don't make a fuss", "come on, don't be like that."  And we didn't. And many of us still don't. 
But here's the thing. Unless we make a racket and a fuss, unless we are just like THAT, nothing will change. 

Trapped in a role

As a child, my friend was a victim. She experienced the worst. The experiences, and the fears that came with them, trapped her in the role that was forced upon her. She was a victim for many years, far beyond childhood and long after the abuse stopped. She did as she was told and now, after extensive trauma work, she dares to come out of hiding.
​She allows herself to be offended. But what to do next??  

Talk to other women

She talked to other women in the company and the industry. They told her that it was unacceptable, "It wouldn't be hanging there, if I worked there" and "It's a management issue, talk to your boss", " I would quit."  "Why do I have to be so sick and make it a problem?" my friend asked me today, "Why can't I be normal, like they are?" 

What's normal? They are the exception, not the rule. ​

I don't know their story, maybe they were never told not to be like THAT. But most of us were, otherwise we wouldn't have to deal with MeToo.
I was, and I experienced multiple MeToo situations until I learned to come out of my victim role and make a fuss. All those situations in the past have shaped me. Back then I was trapped.  Today I have a voice and a choice. I can choose my perspective and my attitude toward life and everything in it. This is not something I learned at home, but I learned it anyway, and everybody can. 

Speaking up requires guts, not balls.

My friend's thoughts and feelings are not the exception, but still the rule. Speaking up requires guts. Speaking up is the biggest risk we can take, because the result could be exclusion from the group. Exclusion, rejection, abandonment are THE worst penalties to human beings.
They feel like death, because in the Stone Age, they were a death penalty.

Thank Goodness we have moved on a wee bit and can find new jobs, friends, partners

Feelings are not facts. But they can guide us if we listen to them. But how many times did we not listen to the gut that told us, RUN!  How many times did we stay and smiled?
No matter what we were told as little girls, we do not have to be nice and we don't have to stay in situations or relationships that don't nurture us. 

Patterns of the past

But here is the crux. We tend to choose today's relationships based on the patterns we learned in the past. If we don't speak up today, nothing will change. Not at work, not at home, not on the bus, in the theatre, or anywhere else.
As an adult, I cannot expect others to take responsibility for me and my life. I cannot expect others to stop, if I don't tell them to stop. 

Why always me? Why doesn't he?

I know. Why should I, as a woman, have to explain to a man, that they're behaving in a sexist way? Why should we speak up when we are affected by sexism, racism, or any other ism?
Because before we can change anything, we need to be aware and create awareness. 
I cannot assume that the other one knows. I must assume that they don't know any better.  If we stand on a packed train in the winter and you step on my foot, with your big fat winter boots, you won't know that you stepped on my foot, unless I tell you. Management won't know what's going on, if those managed don't tell them. Perpetrators won't tell on themselves, it's the victim's job, but in the process, they won't be victims anymore.

Unlearn old patterns and learn new ways of acting

Question: Would you stop doing something you enjoy of your own accord if no one told you not to do it? Exactly.  Why should anyone else? 
I know it's scary, but it's the only way, we need to learn to speak up as soon as we are aware of something, otherwise MeToo will never end.  We can't change the past. We can't run away from it, and we can't hide from it. We need to face it. And we need to unlearn those old patterns and replace them with new ways of acting in this world.

Learning and change take time

This process of speaking up can take time. Like anything we learn, it requires letting go of what we know, new input, repetition, consistent effort and practice, practice, practice. Like anything we learn, it won't be always easy and sometimes it will feel as if we have reached a plateau or even taken a few steps back. But that's part of the process. The most important thing is to look at the results so far and trust, that the process will continue if we are diligent and pay attention to our attitude. I can, I want, and I will.

I used to be very angry at the world

While anger is a healthy emotion that fuels me into action, I no longer want to be angry by default. Staying angry doesn't help me. I found that being angry just creates more anger. 
I get more out of my life when I am kind towards myself and others. Here I would like to make a distinction between being nice and being kind.
I am nice if I say yes, even though I mean no. I am kind if I can say no with a smile. 

Wounds, armours, superpowers  

I have a choice today. I can view my experiences as wounds that will never heal. Wounds,  that stifle me and break open at the slightest touch. Or, I can look at them as layers of an armour that protects me. An armour that is so strong that it makes me invincible. Or, I can develop my experiences into a superpower and help others on their way. 

I don't know what my friend will do. The past violations have injured her, yes, but she knows that she has a choice. She has courage and now she is presented with the opportunity to grow  stronger and more self-confident. By sharing her distress with me she already worked on her superpower.  Thank you, my friend.